Miller Lite - Men of the Square Table
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Man Laws (Men of the Square Table) are a series of beer commercials for Miller Lite, inspired by the unwritten codes by which men live. In the commercials, the panel discusses a given issue until it decides upon a “Man Law”. The “Men of the Square Table” are a parody of King Arthur’s Knights of the Round Table. The “Square Table” they congregate around is located in what appears to be a secret, Dr. Strangelove-esque room with glass (probably soundproof) walls.
Members of the Square Table
In the commercials, it is their job to adjudge what is manly and what is not manly in common male situations. The panel is composed of important, macho, and famous men. Among the topics discussed are the proper etiquette for courting a friend’s ex-girlfriend, and deciding who rightfully owns Miller Lite brought to parties. The Members of the Square Table are as follows:
| Character | Real Name |
|---|---|
| Mr. Binnie | Brian Binnie, pilot/astronaut who flew Spaceship One when it won the X Prize [1] |
| Mr. Bus | Jerome Bettis, former Pro Bowl NFL running back of the Pittsburgh Steelers; Super Bowl winner [2] |
| Mr. de la Hoya | Oscar de la Hoya, professional boxer [3] |
| Mr. Flynn | Jackie Flynn, actor/comedian |
| Mr. Gesner | Zen Gesner, actor [4] |
| Mr. Griffin | Eddie Griffin, actor/comedian [5] |
| Mr. H | Triple H, actor/WWE professional wrestler [6] |
| Mr. Hart | Carey Hart, actor/professional motocrosser [7] |
| Mr. Johnson | Jimmy Johnson, former college football and NFL coach [8] |
| Mr. Kelly | Jim Kelly, Hall of Fame Pro Bowl quarterback formerly of the Buffalo Bills (NFL) and the Houston Gamblers (USFL). |
| Mr. Markbreit | Jerry Markbreit, former NFL referee [9] |
| Mr. Murray | Ty Murray, 7-time All-Around World Rodeo Champion [10] |
| Mr. Ralston | Aron Ralston, mountaineer who cut off his own lower arm with a pocket knife when a boulder fell on it while canyoneering [11] |
| Mr. Renteria | Paul Renteria, actor/musician [12] |
| Mr. Reynolds | Burt Reynolds, actor [13] |
| The Scribe | Matthew Weintraub, actor, self-fellator [14] |
| Mr. Blu | Rodney Blu, actor/musician founded Southern Kingdom, the first family of Righteous HipHop, former Production Manager and on-air personality for KFCD The Sportsfan 990am in Dallas,Tx. and frequent contributer to 1310 The Ticket.Mr. Blu is currently an extra on the hit series PrisonBreak. |
| Mr. Richmond | Mitch Richmond, Former NBA Rookie of the year. Perennial NBA All-Star. |
Television advertisements
This list is not complete. It contains only a sample of the commercials within this series.
| Problem Posed | Man Law Solution |
|---|---|
| Your best friend is dumped by his girlfriend. How long before you can ask her out? | It was suggested to be various short amounts of time, but the idea of dating a friend’s ex was thought to be wholly unacceptable by Mr. Reynolds. However, when asked “What if she’s drop-dead gorgeous?”, Mr. Reynolds changed his answer to “Six months” and the motion was summarily accepted. |
| If you bring Miller Lite to a party and not all of it is consumed, can you take the remainder with you as you leave the party? | Tuck Rule: One beer max, but only if the beer will fit in your pocket. |
| If a friend gets you a beer from the bar, is it acceptable for the friend to stick his finger in the opening to bring back several beers to the table at once? | No. “You poke it, you own it.” |
| When toasting with beer, should you clink with the top or the bottom of the bottle? | The Bottom, because clinking the top would swap saliva and thus qualify as kissing. |
| Is the high five officially played out? | Yes, but a continuance has been issued until a replacement can be found. |
| Does someone have to root for a team when watching football? | Yes. You must always choose to root for a team. |
| Is it permissible to hide your beer in the fridge so that others can’t find it? | No, “sharing is caring.” |
| Wireless phone headsets: pretty cool or technology gone bad? | Technology gone bad: Anything that makes you look like a crazy person - not cool. (Mr. Bus completely disagrees.) |
| Can you put a lime or any other fruit in your beer? | No, fruit is completely off limits in beer. If one was to put fruit in a beer, they might as well put a little umbrella in it and call it a “beera colada”. Man Law: “Don’t Fruit the Beer.” (Ironically, Miller is introducing a Beer Brewed with Lime) |
| Is it permissible, in the pursuit of humor, to tap the top of another man’s beer bottle with the bottom of your beer bottle, causing the other man’s beer bottle to fizz over? | No, as there are plenty of other things that make us laugh without wasting a drop of beer, like Japanese game shows, Undercover Brother on DVD, and Jimmy Johnson’s hair. Man Law: “No wasting beer in the pursuit of humor.” |
| Have football fans become too reliant on the “D-Fence” sign? | Yes, however, a continuance has been issued on the “D-Fence” sign, while giving a try-out to the “Off-Fence” sign this season. |
| Is it acceptable for a man to leave his fellow men in order to leave with his woman? | No, however, this ruling can be overturned if she is deemed attractive enough by said fellow men. Most notably, Burt Reynolds, in the case of Mr. Murray’s girlfriend, Jewel. (Beforehand, the Men were discussing if it is acceptable for a man to drive a hybrid car. A Man Law was never adopted for this.) |
| Is it acceptable to leave a game before it ends to beat traffic? | No. In a rare double man law it was also deemed unacceptable for a man to bake on game day. This is the one Rodney Blu appears in. |
| Is it acceptable for a man to use a fake log when real wood is available? | No. Real wood must always be used. |
| Is it acceptable for a wife or girlfriend to store items other than beer in the garage fridge? | No. The line is the line - It is only sovereign territory left. |
| Is crushing beer cans on your forehead still cool? | No. Cans are not as thick as they once were. Crushing one back then was saying something, but now, it’s lame. |
| Can a man wash his hair in the sink? | No. Under no circumstance shall a man wash his hair in a sink. Hair washing will only take place in the shower, OR, the barber. |
| Can a man end a game of pain, by not abiding by the rules? | No. All rules shall be followed or the result will be double the penalty of the game for the man who broke them. |
| Is telling stories of getting kicked in the balls reasonable male conversation? | No. Hearing a story of that nature brings back painful memories because every man has his own story. |
| If while eating hot peppers, is it acceptable for a person to stay at the table and not eat while forcing others to eat the peppers? | No, if said person is at the table and is trying to make others eat hot peppers while being too chicken to try one themselves they should be made to eat twice the amount eaten or be shunned from the table and made to sit outside, no matter the weather conditions. |
| Can a man miss the night before opening day of deer hunting for a date with his Girlfriend? | No. This could possibly be the most important day of the year. This is not acceptable under any circumstances and will result in severe punishment. This decision was made by the men of Orion’s Lodge. |
Demise
As of March 23, 2007 the advertising agency that Miller Brewing Co. hired “resigned” their account, citing strategic and creative differences. Ultimately their campaign did not increase sales of the targeted product ‘Miller Lite’.[citation needed]
It is very uncommon for an Ad Agency to fire the client. But this indeed happened. Ultimately, a new CMO and CEO at Miller Brewing Co. decided the strategy was flawed. They felt the campaign didn’t do much to elevate the beer within the ads. Rather than focusing on cultural leadership by being relevant and funny to 21-35 year old men, they felt it would be better to hard sell the qualities of the beer.[citation needed]
The Miller Brewing Co. unveiled a new football-related advertising campaign to effectively replace the Man Law ads starting the week of September 2, 2007, to coincide with the start of the 2007 NFL Regular Season. The title is More Taste League (MTL) and these ads consist of actor John C. McGinley portraying The Commish of beer to defend Miller Lite towards the actions of beer drinkers. These ads are only likely to run until some time in October 2007, as Miller has signed a new agency to handle their TV and radio ads, with the first ones to be unveiled during this time. [15]
Popular culture
- The ex-girlfriend rule was referenced in the episode “Both Sides Now” of Power Rangers: Operation Overdrive. Blue Ranger Dax Lo complained about fellow Ranger Will Aton’s defection to a female enemy that was once his romantic interest in a previous episode. When their female comrades were taken aback by the comment, Dax and Red Ranger Mack Hartford looked at each other, then at the girls, simply stating “Man Law”. The girls rolled their eyes in response.
- In a recent taping of The New Yankee Workshop, handyman Norm Abram says “Remember to watch your fingers when you’re working a miter box… Man Law.”
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